Therapy

    I have decided instead of paying someone a butt load of money so I can sit and 'let it all out', I will just blog about it. You're welcome:) I have read so many blogs that I enjoy and they always mention how much they enjoy blogging and it helps sometimes to just get things written out. SO, I have been debating for a long time whether or not to do a post about my infertility because it is such a personal subject and everyone's story is different. But, I am hoping it will help take some of my stress of carrying around so many feelings, that I don't know how to deal with well:), and feel a little relief. I really don't know why it would matter, but everyone says it does....so I have to do what everyone says would be best! Haha! Its worth a try. And it really is easier to write things out than to say them to someone sometimes. I am just not good at it.:)
        Something about infertility, like most trials in life, you don't understand what it feels like unless you have experienced it. And that's ok. Its life. I sometimes have a hard time talking about it because I think I avoid it as a protection to myself. I have realized recently I do that with a lot of things that deal with infertility, like pregnancies and babies. It is painful, VERY painful. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to be one of those wonderful, faithful women that are never able to have children. And I don't want people to feel I don't care about them because I do and I am genuinely happy for them. It is just hard for me to balance that with my own desires to have the same thing.

           It took us about 6 years I think to get pregnant with Ashlynn and I don't even know how that happened...well I know HOW it happened but I don't really KNOW how it happened. hahaha! that would be a blog post for another day!;) I was on a fertility medication for 8 months and we were just about to move on to the next step when I found out I was pregnant. So, I guess I was hoping for a similar outcome this time where all I have to do is be on the medication for a little while but it didn't happen. It has been extremely hard for me this time round having to go further than before to get pregnant. I have been through 2 doctors and found out I was wasting my time on the first one and that made me OH SO MAD! I am a person, not a number. Infertility is such a time sensitive thing and each month that goes by is hard and the months add up real quick. So its frustrating when the doctors are causing more time to pass without any progress being made. And you have everyone else telling you if you would just do A, B, or C you will get pregnant, as if its just that easy and there never would have been any problems. It is sometime difficult to hear. But, I know that people are just trying to help and usually just don't know what to say. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't say certain things around me. It may not always be easy, but you really have to make an effort not to get upset or offended at things people say. I have prayed so many times that I can learn the things I need to and become a better person because of this trial. I know that we are given things to push us and make us better. I would hate it if I didn't make the progress that I need to.

   And this time around, now that Ashlynn is here, the time crunch is even more pressing. It also brings up A LOT of doubts and insecurities. She has rocked my world! It brings in so so so many doubts about my ability as a mother and the infertility just puts a magnifying glass on every little thing!! I am constantly fighting myself with thoughts like no wonder I can't be blessed with more children, I can't even handle the one I have ( that has definitely been the biggest one for me). And I'm not good enough, I'm not faithful enough, I don't deserve that blessing. These are real struggles for me. There have been MANY nights of crying and struggling to stay positive. But, I know that the only person who would want me to feel that way is the adversary. He wants me to be depressed and angry with God. There have been times I have thought that it was no longer a desire and I really don't care about it anymore. Satan finds that little thought or seed of doubt and builds on it. This trial has taught me to lean more on the Lord and that all things can be made possible through Him. I know this. He loves me and wants me to be happy. And whatever God has planned for me is what I will do. I want to be better not bitter. I kinda just want to be able to prove to myself that I can do it and that I am worth it. The unknown is not easy!:)

Someone said that they think like an infertile woman and I never thought about that before and how different our thoughts probably are, sometimes for good and sometimes bad. And there are lots of people going through the same thing, it just doesn't feel like it most of the time. It is emotionally draining!!

Well, I don't really know what else to say. Its late, so who knows what I even said or if it made sense!! But, it did feel good to get it all out.:) Hopefully I don't offend anyone or anything. Like I said this is MY story and everyone's is different. I think it is hard to deal with infertility on any level.  We are very hopeful that things will happen for us soon!! We are working towards getting pregnant by IUI and are starting the process to get in to the foster to adopt program here.

Thank you for everyone's love and support and all the prayers. It really is overwhelming and we are so appreciative of it.
       

                          We are a HAPPY FAMILY!!!:)