Parties and stuff

Once again I am way behind on my blogging!! I think about posting all the time but just can't ever seem to find a good time. Usually it has to be late at night and then i just want to go to bed instead. And the longer I wait the more I feel I have to catch up on and ain't nobody got time for that!!

I really just want to document things that are said or done for memories sake. Because one thing I know for sure is I am going to miss hearing my little girl's sweet voice and being able to kiss on those cheeks!!! I mean seriously...

We made a couple of trips to Cali to visit Adam's Family and go to our nieces birthday and that was a lot of fun. They had a super hero theme:)

 We had a lot of fun! Adam enjoyed staying in character all day and Ashlynn thought his Bat Dad voice was hilarious. And all she wanted to be was a ninja turtle princess, haha! She loves it all...ninja turtles, princesses, racing, pretending, singing, dancing, saying poop and bum bum, you name it!

           

One thing we love is to have dad at church with us. He is always on the go on Sunday and tries to make it to our ward when he can, but being on the high council keeps you very busy everywhere else! One day she will understand why he is rarely with us:)  But, I am proud of Adam for really trying to fulfill his calling and he really does love it. We have a great stake and we have enjoyed getting to know the stake leaders. They are great examples to us. The Presidents wife mentioned once that she has been a church widow for 15 years or something crazy and even though it was hard it was a great blessing. It was a wonderful reminder to me of how important it is to not complain everytime Adam is choosing to fulfill his calling and can't sit by us every sunday. It really is a blessing to have that opportunity to serve and learn and grow. I only hope that I can be strong enough to be a church widow as well. I'd rather it be me than him I guess!

 

    We do not go ONE day without someone being a puppy or kitty!! haha! Ashlynn LOVES it if someone is willing to play that with her! She will pet you and kiss you and laugh and ask if you want a treat thrown to you. She thought it was great when grandpa was her puppy;)

    Christmas was a lot of fun this year. Ashlynn was loving every moment of decorating and baking and shopping and especially the music every day (starting in November of course...haha).

 We had an ugly sweater party which was a BLAST!! Its fun to have a crazy bunch of friends that we can hang out with!

Adam took a whole WEEK off of work for Christmas AND had no school that week, so we were extremely excited to get to hang out and do whatever the crap we wanted!!:)  Of course, first thing on Adam's list was a nap....haha...poor guy. So sleep deprived. But, I didn't mind the down time. It didn't last long enough. The whole month of December was jammed packed with things to do. But, a lot of fun things!

                       One thing my mom started was a red and green day. Everyone picked a color for teams and we were all green! Then we come up with different games or competitions to compete with the red and green teams. It is so much fun! This year there was an egg toss, whipped topping tower, helium balloon voice off, and our game of HA HO HE! Our game is where you sit in a circle and take turns saying ha ho he without laughing. If you laugh you are out. And my brother in law pretty much wiped us all out by getting in your face and saying it! Ashlynn was the only one left bc it scared her instead of making her laugh...haha! So she lasted a few extra rounds for our team!

      Gingerbread houses with my nephews! Ashlynn would have gotten most decorated. Jaxen would have gotten sturdiest (it caved in once and he decided that won't be happening again!). And Caden would have gotten eaten first!

Christmas at home! It was nice because Ashlynn is still young enough to just sleep in and not wake up at 3 am like we used to! We didn't have much really. I didn't want to give her too much but it does make for a very short Christmas with only a few presents, so I think that was a disappointment to her. Hopefully it will be our last Christmas that is this empty.

Best present was probably that ride on horse that I found on a yard sale site for 5 bucks!! bam! She loves it.

                                                                             This was the only picture I got for some reason when we had our good friends the Charles's come and visit! It is so great that we have been able to see them so much and it is always a joy to see them!!

My handsome hubby taking her on a little run. She just wants to run all. the. time.!!! SO happy that he wants to do these things.

      what I really want to do is take a picture everytime she is crying about who knows what and put a caption on it, so we can document all the crazy things she cries about! And the struggle is real people! This time it was because we went to a babptism for a little girl in our ward, who loves Ashlynn. But, she was so upset at the end that it wasn't HER baptism and SHE wanted to get baptized and get the baptism gift (I presented the gift to the girl from the primary)...hahaha! Oh girls. SO much DRAMA!!

                                                                 LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!!
                                                           

NOW that I have gotten a quick review of things done I can do an update on a little more of  the rest of our life. I really do want to make this more frequent so I can get some more specifics in there as far as quotes and things by the family. I'll keep trying:)

Anyway, I have been wanting to keep up on my updates on our journey to grow our family as well. I can't remember what I even said in my last post, but I remember mentioning getting an IUI done and it didn't take. Which was pretty devastating. I had told myself that it probably wouldn't happen the first time, but I had really hoped it would. The process takes so much time and money! It was hard to even think to have to do it again. We finally decided to maybe try again but I was still having a hard time dealing with it all and not having my cycle schedule match up with the doctosrs and getting different things all the time from the nurse, like finding out things that probably should have happende the first time but didn't because of miscommunication. There are just so many factors that go into it and it is extremely stressful and EXHAUSTING!! And this is just an IUI! 

Well, I decide I just can't deal with it and take some time off. And if one more person tells me I need to just relax and it will happen or stop thinking about it I will knock someone out, then I might feel relaxed! No, I won't do that! hopefully. you never know. I honestly don't feel I stress about it too much. I am let down every month but I don't think that is the reason for not getting pregnant for YEARS.

Then, I am feeling like we need to just get started on the process of fostering to adopt. We figured we need to pretty much do anything we feel we can to grow our family. I have always thought of adoption but it is very expensive. This way is WAY less expensive but possibly more straining. But, we figured if we can get started to adopt great and if we get pregnant, great! We are extremely close to getting our license so hopefully we can find a placement soon that could work out long term for adoption. 

We had to take a class to prepare for this for 10 weeks. It was every Monday night for a couple of months and I am so grateful that I was able to have my mom babysit most of the time. The classes were good but very hard. It gives you a glimpse into that world and your heart goes out to the kids involved in all of these situations. It wasn't there choice and it is sad. It also made it very scary hearing all the issues and stories of foster and adoptive families. 

I am extremely excited for what the future can hold but I am also extremely nervous and so scared!! I am scared that I am going to end up falling in love with a child and have to give them back. I am scared of having to meet with the birth parents every week and review their progress

because it is the states goal to reunite first. I am scared of the impact it will all have on my family, especially my daughter. I am scared she won't like the change or that she will feel neglected or replaced. I am scared that I am not strong enough to handle it.

There is nothing wrong with only having one child. I don't think anyone should feel bad for the size of their family. Some choose it and some don't. I never would have imagined myself at the place I am now. But, I do have to look at it as a challenge in life to strengthen me and make me better. 

Its not easy having an only child. Especially when you yearn for more. It is difficult to not have your only child be labeled with the only child syndrome. I mean, They are the only ones. They have no one to be made to share with all day. They have mom and dads attention a lot. They are the only ones for mom and dad to think of and take care of, so yes they are being spoiled! And it would be easier to just be done with one and feel good about that because even just one child fills your heart and soul with love and joy. 

I do wish we had at least one thing that was on the easier route right now! It feels like nothing is. 

But, I want Ashlynn to have siblings! And it is hard to see her want that so bad too. 

At this point all we can do is hope and pray that we do the right things and that as long as we are trying that the Lord will make up the difference and lead us where we need to be and make the choices that are best for us. 

Therapy

    I have decided instead of paying someone a butt load of money so I can sit and 'let it all out', I will just blog about it. You're welcome:) I have read so many blogs that I enjoy and they always mention how much they enjoy blogging and it helps sometimes to just get things written out. SO, I have been debating for a long time whether or not to do a post about my infertility because it is such a personal subject and everyone's story is different. But, I am hoping it will help take some of my stress of carrying around so many feelings, that I don't know how to deal with well:), and feel a little relief. I really don't know why it would matter, but everyone says it does....so I have to do what everyone says would be best! Haha! Its worth a try. And it really is easier to write things out than to say them to someone sometimes. I am just not good at it.:)
        Something about infertility, like most trials in life, you don't understand what it feels like unless you have experienced it. And that's ok. Its life. I sometimes have a hard time talking about it because I think I avoid it as a protection to myself. I have realized recently I do that with a lot of things that deal with infertility, like pregnancies and babies. It is painful, VERY painful. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to be one of those wonderful, faithful women that are never able to have children. And I don't want people to feel I don't care about them because I do and I am genuinely happy for them. It is just hard for me to balance that with my own desires to have the same thing.

           It took us about 6 years I think to get pregnant with Ashlynn and I don't even know how that happened...well I know HOW it happened but I don't really KNOW how it happened. hahaha! that would be a blog post for another day!;) I was on a fertility medication for 8 months and we were just about to move on to the next step when I found out I was pregnant. So, I guess I was hoping for a similar outcome this time where all I have to do is be on the medication for a little while but it didn't happen. It has been extremely hard for me this time round having to go further than before to get pregnant. I have been through 2 doctors and found out I was wasting my time on the first one and that made me OH SO MAD! I am a person, not a number. Infertility is such a time sensitive thing and each month that goes by is hard and the months add up real quick. So its frustrating when the doctors are causing more time to pass without any progress being made. And you have everyone else telling you if you would just do A, B, or C you will get pregnant, as if its just that easy and there never would have been any problems. It is sometime difficult to hear. But, I know that people are just trying to help and usually just don't know what to say. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't say certain things around me. It may not always be easy, but you really have to make an effort not to get upset or offended at things people say. I have prayed so many times that I can learn the things I need to and become a better person because of this trial. I know that we are given things to push us and make us better. I would hate it if I didn't make the progress that I need to.

   And this time around, now that Ashlynn is here, the time crunch is even more pressing. It also brings up A LOT of doubts and insecurities. She has rocked my world! It brings in so so so many doubts about my ability as a mother and the infertility just puts a magnifying glass on every little thing!! I am constantly fighting myself with thoughts like no wonder I can't be blessed with more children, I can't even handle the one I have ( that has definitely been the biggest one for me). And I'm not good enough, I'm not faithful enough, I don't deserve that blessing. These are real struggles for me. There have been MANY nights of crying and struggling to stay positive. But, I know that the only person who would want me to feel that way is the adversary. He wants me to be depressed and angry with God. There have been times I have thought that it was no longer a desire and I really don't care about it anymore. Satan finds that little thought or seed of doubt and builds on it. This trial has taught me to lean more on the Lord and that all things can be made possible through Him. I know this. He loves me and wants me to be happy. And whatever God has planned for me is what I will do. I want to be better not bitter. I kinda just want to be able to prove to myself that I can do it and that I am worth it. The unknown is not easy!:)

Someone said that they think like an infertile woman and I never thought about that before and how different our thoughts probably are, sometimes for good and sometimes bad. And there are lots of people going through the same thing, it just doesn't feel like it most of the time. It is emotionally draining!!

Well, I don't really know what else to say. Its late, so who knows what I even said or if it made sense!! But, it did feel good to get it all out.:) Hopefully I don't offend anyone or anything. Like I said this is MY story and everyone's is different. I think it is hard to deal with infertility on any level.  We are very hopeful that things will happen for us soon!! We are working towards getting pregnant by IUI and are starting the process to get in to the foster to adopt program here.

Thank you for everyone's love and support and all the prayers. It really is overwhelming and we are so appreciative of it.
       

                          We are a HAPPY FAMILY!!!:)

         

She is 3!

     I have been feeling the need to blog for a while! I really do want to keep up on it as a family journal.:) I am not that good at it though, haha! I will try harder. Its easier to blog more often because there is less to say and it can be done quickly, rather than thinking I need tons of time to catch up on the last 6 months or year.


 SO, some of the exciting things happening around here was Ashlynn turned 3! Adam has passed all of his classes so far, and is VERY excited to finish and find a career path he enjoys. His time has been extremely limited with everything going on. We just finished up Girls Camp, which was extremely fun and extremely tiring! I was asked to go with the stake to cook and Adam was there as one of the priesthood because he is over the YW on the High Council. So we got to stay in our own special little tent!:) We did the life walk they had for the girls and loved it. You just can't deny the Spirit that you feel at girls camp. Its awesome! And he didn't mind getting on the ATV once in a while!!

While we were gone, Ashlynn stayed with my mom and dad for the week. She didn't mind that too much. Just getting spoiled. We love having them near. I know Ashlynn would go through major withdrawals if we move! It helps too that they have a little pool to jump into after being in this crazy heat!!
   My mom was exhausted when we got back:) and said now she has a WAY better understanding of how much ENERGY, PERSONALITY, SPUNK, and ATTITUDE this girl has! haha! Love her sooooo much. She has not been easy. She has challenged me in ways no one else can. For the better. And that's what I want, to be the best I can be for myself and my family.

She loves to sing and dance and pretend! And she is very concerned that everything she does is funny. She asks me all the time, "is that funny mom?" haha!

   Adam and I also got to go on a mini trip with the stake to San Diego! We went to the Temple and Sea World and everyone rode together in a huge bus. So much fun! It was nice for us to be able to have some time to ourselves. You have to keep the love ALIVE!!:)

Let's try this again...

Well, it's only been a couple of years since I have blogged. No big deal. But, now there is a blogging app on my phone so I can just sneak quick posts here and there and hopefully more often!

Ashlynn turned 2 in May! Time has flown by! She is my world and I love having her in our lives!:) she is spunky and full of personality and attitude! Pretty sure she got that one from her Aunt Ashley!:)

I guess I will just do a little list about her to remember:

- she loves to dance and play guitar

- she will break out into song at any moment

- the usual song is we will rock you

- she finishes with a bow and " thank you thank you"

- she will sit and watch a full movie

- if she doesn't get her way she will run and throw her body on the floor

- she loves her grandpa the most

- she loves to meet friends and give them hugs. Even if they are random kids at a store!

- she goes to church to see bishop for a lollipop

We love her so much!!

Let's see....oh Adam started school again! He decided he needed to go back and change his career route since he hasn't completely enjoyed his current one. He is going to BYU-I online for web design and so far is enjoying it. I am fully supportive of this decision if it results in a better job and future, so that's what we are praying for!

Another big change was Adam was called into the High Council. I know, I laughed a little about it too! They figure he already sleeps through all the meetings anyway!:) well he has really enjoyed it so far. It stretches and strengthens and I am grateful for that. I will never forget the feeling when he was ordained a high priest by my dad. We know Adams dad was in that circle and so proud of Adam and his choices. My dad paid a wonderful tribute to him and his example and influence. It was a very special day. 

As for me, I am busy keeping up with a crazy 2 year old and a house. I do part time work for my dad as well, usually during nap time. I re-paint furniture a lot. One day that furniture might be able to leave my house and make some money:) 

   I am on clomid again to try and get pregnant. It has been a little difficult for me as the time begins to grow between the next one and Ashlynn. I also recently found out my doc has to shut his doors for medical leave. I am just going to follow his PA to another doctor that a lot people seem to like but it will be a few weeks before I can get in there. Which means more time. And I def get put on the back burner bc I am not pregnant. So that can be frustrating. I guess I just had hoped I wouldn't have to do this every time. Next time I will know better! 

Well that's my catch up post I guess! 

pumpkin eater

It's Christmas Time!!!! I am sooooo excited! Ashlynn is really cruising these days and enjoys discovering the Christmas decorations I have been putting out! She pulls herself up on anything she can get a hold of. Adam and I can't resist that little body crawling up our legs...ya just gotta pick her up and love her!! She just enjoys life more as each month goes by. Finally on Thanksgiving she let my mom and dad hold her without crying. YAY!!! Grandma was very thankful for that.

Here is the entertainment unit we did! I love it. I plan on making a planter box to go under the t.v. to help fill in that space.

This is what we had before:
Adam's brother was in town and whipped us up the bottom cubbies! It was awesome! Then we put the towers on top, we bought them off Craigslist. We painted it one color, added the trim and glazed it to give the worn look. It is just what I wanted:)

So, we took some pictures for fall with my sister's camera. Since she is on her mission right now in Spain, I had to ask her if it was ok if we used her camera, haha! That was one of the things she didn't want touched while she was gone. They turned out really cute!
The first set was not the best:) Ashlynn did NOT want to be in that pumpkin! It was a little cold and we forced her to sit in there...haha! poor child. Then she discovered she could chew on it. Game over. Thats all she wanted to do!



This one is a favorite because it is grandpa holding her hand. He was the only one that day that could get a good smile out of her!





I worked hard to get that one! I am grateful for my family! This little girl lights up my life. I am grateful for an amazing husband and best friend. I am grateful for my Savior and His tender mercies. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the joy it brings to my life.